The Mack Truck of Emotions (Beware..this is a little dark)

In a few short weeks, it will have been 9 years since my mother died. In the first year after her death, I spent many hours, days, weeks, months...crying. It seemed as if each time I thought of her and then realized, over and over again, that she was gone (really, really gone) , the tremendous hurt and pain I felt when I found her that morning would hit me all over again and knock me down into the depths I never imagined existed. It continues to be the most important moment in my life, second only to the day Leah was born. The impact of that event was so violent that it literally turned me into someone else.

With each new day, more and more time would pass between each breakdown. Eventually, I was able to have thoughts of her that would bring a smile before the tears came. A few years into it, I was even blessed with being able to see potential reasons for it to happen. The most recent development in the grieving process has been sensing her presence without fear and even talking to her when I feel her around me. I have also gotten to the point where I might go days before realizing I hadn't thought of her, at all, that day. This almost always leads to guilt.

And then the grief took another turn when Leah was born. Now it included a soft, but very real, sadness that hit with each milestone. With every "first" I'd find myself thinking that I should call her and share the news...sometimes even reaching for the phone before realizing that I don't know her number anymore.

I was only 25 when she died (dear god...she was only 54!) Old enough that I could take care of myself and be an adult but yet young enough that her physical absence in my life would create turmoil for me because she would miss out on so many things that would contribute to the me I was to become.

And now, approaching the 9th anniversary, something new has developed...something that scares me a little. Something that can make me feel like I have failed as her daughter.

Relief.

Relief that I didn't have to bear the discontent that I'm sure would have come between us regarding the way I live my life and how I have chosen to raise Leah. Of course, there is no way to know for sure how she would have reacted since I can only base my assumption on her beliefs before she died, but we are very different people with very different ideals.

I believe in spirits and the ability to communicate with them. I believe in God and consider myself a spiritual person, but I chose to explore and even count some principles and/or practices of other, non-christian, beliefs as my own. I like to go to seances and have psychic medium readings. She not only disapproved of these things but made it clear that as her daughter, I should not participate in them.

There is a part of my heart labeled "Mother" that believes that regardless of our differences that she would still love me and eventually at least accept my choices . (Since I can imagine this happening between Leah and I.)

There is another part of my heart labeled "Daughter" that will always worry that I turned into someone other than what she would have liked or hoped for.

The most recent development in my grief are those "Mack Trucks of Emotions". The moments that catch me completely off guard and that seem to appear as if from nowhere but that hit so hard they knock me on my ass. For example, sitting at my desk at work yesterday, looking at something on line, it happened. Reading a seemingly innocent news article and...WHAM!!! Tears stream and sobs commence. And the pain is back....and, once again, I re-play her last few weeks, from the phone call to the funeral.

They say time heals all wounds. Guess its still got work to do.

Mama, I'm so proud of you!

If you are reading this, you most likely know me well enough to know that I love to sing. I might even go so far as to say that I am damn good at it, too! It is something I have always loved but have also always been terrified of sharing. Maybe because I am a scientist by profession and have always received acceptance and approval based on my intellectual abilities that it is so hard to share another side of myself...especially one that is so closely tied to my emotions...a place that I rarely admit I have, let alone share or let anyone see.

However, I have also always had this fantasy of one day becoming a professional singer...touring the country and the world crooning my heart out. It is a fantasy for a lot of reasons. First and foremost being that I get paralyzing stage fright and rarely sing in front of people the way I sing when I am alone...

As luck would have it, I was on Craig's List the other day posting a few baby items for sale (Sorry Leah looks like you'll be an only child after all!) and somehow ended up stumbling across an ad for a music gig. The man who placed the ad plays in an acoustic duo on Tuesday nights and is looking for a replacement partner for the gig (which, by the way is a PAYING gig!). His request was for a female acoustic guitar playing singer. That's me! (well...guitar playing might be considered a stretch...i can strum and play some chords but Les Paul I am not). But, after explaining my limitations, I was still invited for an audition, which is to occur hopefully sometime this weekend.

Last night when I got home from work, I went right to the computer to look up some songs and lyrics and guitar tabs on-line to prepare. Leah, of course, wanted to know what I was doing. The conversation went something like this:

Leah: "Mommy? Whatcha doin'?"

Me: "I am looking up some songs to sing on the internet."

Leah: "why?" (if I had a magic genie and was granted one wish, it would be to remove this single word from Leah' vocabulary since it has become her favorite and most exasperating word of late).

Me: "Mommy might be singing some songs at a place every week and the man who needs a singing partner asked me to sing for him to see if he likes my voice."

Leah: "What man?"

Lyn: "His name is XXXX and he plays guitar and songs and needs someone to sing with him every Tuesday night. Would you like it if mommy went somewhere to sing every Tuesday?"

Leah: "Yes! That would be so fun! I should go there too!" (sentenced punctuated by a very demonstrative hug and a sigh).

Lyn: "So, now mommy has to practice some songs so that I can sound really nice and he will ask me to sing with him"

Leah: "Okay" (aforementioned excitement all but COMPLETELY vanished) and off she went in search of some other entertainment.

A few minutes later, she was back.

She stood up on her little step stool (which makes her almost as tall as i am when sitting....yikes!) and says, with no prompting from anyone (or maybe prompted by my mother who I like to think is around and pays attention to my life despite her being, you know....dead):

"Mama! You are doing such a good job! I'm so proud of you for practicing!"

One of those moments when I am simultaneously touched/proud/sad. Touch by her compassion. Proud of her kind heart (which I like to think I had something to do with). Sad because it is yet another piece of evidence that is piling up and proving that she IS growing up and will, someday, no longer need me.

I'll keep you posted about the audition!!

Priorities

With our life having been in what sometimes feels like constant turmoil this last year, stress has been high and smiles few and far between. What with worrying about health problems, money, the economy, money, car problems, money, struggling to lose weight and, of course, did I mention money?....it has been hard sometimes to put on a happy face.

Today is one of those days. It started by looking at our monthly budget, for the three millionth time, for a place to squeeze out a few extra dollars and finding there is very little left to squeeze. On it went with me playing and re-playing a conversation Ryan and I had had this weekend. I could almost feel the negative energy seeping in. My face was scowling and my heart was heavy. I couldn't even be bothered to go online and check on emails and such...I felt as if the day would drag on forever.

And then I decided to go back and look at some of my earlier posts...actually, I think I was subconsciously looking for a way to make myself even more miserable...and figured I would stumble upon one of the dark, gloomy posts from when Ryan was severely ill. Instead, for no apparent reason, I clicked on this one (Scroll down to the video at the end of the post) and suddenly things didn't seem so bad. After that 20 second video, the light is suddenly shining and the shadows are fleeing away.

When money is tight, it is real easy to get caught up in that poor me routine. "What? You mean we don't have enough money to get a pizza? Are you seriously telling me that I can't go out to eat for lunch today? This isn't FAIR! I work hard and make good money!"

The reality is that yes, money is tight, but we have everything we need, not to mention a ton of things we probably don't. For example:

We have 4, yes, FOUR television sets in our home, all of which are connected to cable television via high definition boxes. In our basement we have a working washer and dryer, a playroom for Leah (with more toys in it than she could ever possibly play with!), a ping pong table, an exercise bike, a completely stocked workbench for scrap booking, bins full of Christmas decorations, bag after bag of clothing for Leah for at least the next 2 years of her life.

We have a fridge full of food and cabinets stocked with staples.

Our living room boasts a big, comfy couch, with reclining chairs at each end.

The list goes on:

ipods
desk top computer
lap top computer
2 cell phones
Greeting cards
play station
guitar hero
dvd/vcr
fireplace
2 cars in good working condition
snowblower
lawn mower
weed wacker
ladder
outside table and chairs
gas grill
rakes/shovels/hoses
multiple winter coats, hats, mittens
closets full of clothes
dvds/cds/stereos
beds
lamps
pillows
blankets (more than one person could ever possibly need at any given moment)
board games
cards
coffee pot/blender/dishes/silverware/plates
fridge/freezer/oven/microwave
musical instruments
oh yeah...and THE HOUSE! that's a big one!
medical equipment that totals in retail close to $25K and is helping Ryan to get stronger and healthier every day
digital cameras

How is it that i could let myself get so used to so many of these things, some of which might even be considered luxuries, that I don't even really properly appreciate them?

Even without all the things listed above, I am blessed far more than most:

I have a husband , daughter and dog who would follow me to the ends of the earth, regardless of how much money is in my pocket, how many electronics I own or whether or not I was able to purchase a pizza today. (Well, I guess I should be realistic...Rusty would follow me, but only if I had some pizza in my pocket!)

All in all, despite my possessions, assets, liabilities, etc...

I am still a very wealthy person!

Leah's Little Language

Leah says some of the cutest things.

Don't all kids?

I know I should correct her, but they are too cute! Watching her learn has been such an amazing experience. Sometimes, you can see the wheels turning and the smoke coming out of her ears....the whole process is so intriguing to watch and makes me think about what she'll be when she grows up, where she'll go to college, etc. But then, thanks to my friend Robyn, who can't seem to sign onto blog spot without a tear jerking post, now I've started trying to remember and document each and every adorable thing so that I won't miss it! (Thanks alot, Robyn!)

After a bath, she would wrap herself in a towel, look up at me and in a small pleading voice say "take you?" It took me a few times to understand that she wanted me to pick her up and carry her to her room...snuggling into my neck and me inhaling that Clean baby smell for all I was worth! She still wants me to carry her the same way, but now she asks in a way anyone would understand. "Carry Me, mama!"

She refers to her underwear as her "unders".

She calls our entire back yard "the garden" with a strange little accent on garden that makes it sound sort of like "gardeen."

She hasn't entirely grasped the ideas of past/present/future, so when she refers to something that has happened before the current moment, she says it happened "yestear".

Instead of video, she says diveo...this one is too cute to correct!

She calls Rusty her "big boy Rusty" or "big brown boy" or even her "brown brother"!

She will randomly say something like "mama...I am so happy that you came home from work!" or "Thank you so much for buying me this purple Dora bowl...I LOVE IT SO MUCH!"

She gets so excited when she has a task to complete that she'll run away in pursuit of it until she realizes she doesn't have all the pertinent information...for example:

Yesterday, I was kneeling in the driveway next to my car, attempting to check and replace some fuses. Leah, of course, wanted to see what was happening and help. There just wasn't enough room for her hands and mine in the little hiding place for the fuses, so I asked her to go in the house and ask Daddy to give her a flashlight.

"Oh! Ok!"...and off she ran. 2 seconds later she was back, breathless, and asked "What kind is it?" I'm not sure what information she was trying to gather with this question so I just said "It's white"..that seemed to answer it well enough!

"Oh! Ok!"...and she is off again. This time, I heard the screen door on the house open and close, one second pass, and then open and close again. Again, breathless, she says "Where is it?" and I reply "In the kitchen plugged into the wall next to the sink...just ask Daddy he knows where it is"

"Oh! Ok!"...and again the door opens and closes. This time more like 2 minutes pass...during which I had gotten up, popped the trunk, found my emergency road side kit, gotten out the flashlight and was about to put the batteries in when the screen door closes.

This time, she ireturned triumphantly. Holding the flashlight high in the air, as if she has saved the day. "Here it is mama! Here is your nice white flashlight! You can fix your fuses now!"

She refers to any and all special people in her life as her "friends"...and she has a lot of them.

There is a playground directly behind our back yard. She alternately refers to it as either the park or, my favorite, the prayground.

After Leah stopped drinking a bottle, she would often ask for a glass of milk before bed. One time, when Leah wasn't feeling well, I asked her if she wanted a "nice warm cup" because it would make her cozy and feel better. To this day whenever she wants a drink, milk or not, she says "nice warm cup, please!"

She loves spending time with her aunts and uncles, especially the ones who live farther away because she knows she will be sleeping over.

She has a heart full of love that spills out onto everything around her. (Except, of course, if she is tired, in which case WATCH OUT!)

She LOVES to make people laugh...by making faces or funny noises or just plain smiling.

It is SO hard to imagine a day when she won't coming racing to the front door to greet me when I come home from work. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache, my stomach sour and my eyes water. Can't they stay little forever?

In a last minute decision, Leah and I headed "up north" to visit Colleen, her kids and Poppie...Lucky for me it happened to be the Washington County Fair weekend, so on Sunday, after the rain finally let up, we hit the fair.

After watching her 4 older counsins shoot a bow and arrow, Leah looked longingly as we started to leave, but the very sweet man running the booth said...HEY! What about the little one! So, shoot she did:

The fair might as well be heaven on earth with all those animals around. She likes to get as close as she possibly can and then kiss or hug any and all animals that will allow it. This goat was especially tolerant of her affections!

And what would a trip to the fair be without a visit in the cow barns:

She wanted to kiss the cow, too, but I stopped her before she got herself sandwiched between the two in this stall!