Well, the time has finally come for me to throw in the towel and get back on a diet. I've been fighting this battle all of my life and to be honest I am sick and tired of it. Almost sick and tired enough to give in and allow myself to be obese, sad, uncomfortable and easily agitated for the rest of my life. Almost....but not quite. Dammit! I am not a fat person! The woman I see in my head bares a scarce resemblance to the one in the mirror. So little, in fact, that I am sometimes surprised by my own reflection.
Full disclosure has always helped me to get things in to perspective and make myself see what everyone else is seeing. There is an evil part of my brain that likes to make me think that it doesn't matter and as long as my heart is big and full it doesn't matter how big and full my ass is....well, its bunk. All of it. Listen up evil part of my brain! I am not going to let you control me any longer. That woman I see in my head is tired of being imprisoned in this unhealthy body. Tired of having no energy. Tired of being sad. Tired of being in constant pain from joints that have certainly aged faster than they ever should have. I am only 34 years old! It should not take me ten minutes to get out of my chair and start walking across the room. You know what, this doesn't work, either. All these "shoulds"....you can't do anything about a should. You can't take action in the present to change something you didn't do in the past.
So...here we go again. These are the things I want and deserve to have every day of my life:
health, love, ease of movement, nourishing food that I have planned for myself to eat, energy to get through the day at work and still come home, cook dinner and play with my family, happiness, contentment and no fear. These are all things that I have the resources to attain. The only thing holding me back is my fear. Fear that I won't be able to do it. Fear that I will do it and then lose it (again). Fear that this is the best I'll ever get. Fear that Leah will be embarrassed of me at her sporting events in school....
Its really nothing new. I've said all these things before. I've felt the pain before. I've struggled through the hard work and enjoyed the reward and then let it all go....more times than once. What is different this time? What is going to get me through this? What is going to motivate me to make my life better?
Hmmm....
Think I'll get back to you on that one.
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2 comments:
How about a challenge with the dynamic duo from the Adirondacks? It would help all of us and have some fun too. We can talk about it next week. Are you ready? Are we ready? Time will tell.
You are stronger than you think. You have a lot of support too. We love you.
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