The Shrine Circus

Leah, Ryan, Grandma Virginia, Grandpa Vinny and I went to the shrine circus last night...what a time we had!
Lions and Tigers!


Circus Families:


Grandpa, Grandma, and Leah:


Glowing Light Swords and Sabers:



And a spoiled little girls gets one of her own from Grandma!

It was quite a long night and after the roaring tigers Leah turned around and looked at me and said I WANT TO GO HOME...so we did!

My Cutie Patootie

Its been a while since I've posted pics of my little darlin so here it goes:

Hangin' out with Poppie:

Just being:


Finger Painting with Daddy:


Sleeping Cuties:
Riding Horses at Aunt Col's:

Almost Normal

So, Ryan is now able to walk without a walker, as long as he wears his cast-boot! His last follow-up with the surgeon was a great success and the doctor has even given him permission to swim and use a recumbent bike. It has made for an amazing change in our lives! I do not feel so completely overwhelmed all the time and he is able to help out quite a bit more at home. In fact, he is even watching Leah one day a week so that Grandma isn't obliged anymore.

I can't begin to tell you how precious ordinary things become when you can't have them anymore. When Ryan as so incapacitated that he needed me for everything, the prospect of an hour to myself or a nap or even a quick run to the store without Leah in tow was not possible. Now, I can say "hey...I'll be right back" and run an errand....it feels like I've been let out of jail!

His next follow-up is March 31. This just might be the defining moment....all along the doctors have been telling Ryan that even though he is healing that he is not out of the woods yet. They keep reminding him of patients in his exact situation that still ended up with an amputation. However, if his healing continues as it has been, the next appointment just might be the one where they say "Okay...you've made it...you can keep your leg!!!" God, i hope it is!

Mission Statement

A few weeks before Leah was born, I wrote my personal mission statement. At the time, it seemed like the lifeline I needed to make the changes I want in myself. Now, it has been reduced to just another business card in my wallet. I thought I would bring it out and share it to remind me of how much I deserve to make the changes I desire:

"I Promise to live a life of Balance, Courage, Discovery, Health, Honor, Kindness, Love, Patience, Spirituality and Wonder. I promise to incorporate these values into every choice I make and every action I take. I promise to make these values highly visible to even the most casual observer of my life but most importantly, to me."

As I read this now, I find it ironic to discover that if I made a promise like this to someone else, that I would most certainly keep it.

Yet, when the promise is being made to myself, I break it almost immediately and continue to so so almost 2 years later.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Spring

I love spring because it means warmer days are coming. I've been couped up in the house all winter and can't wait to get outside and breathe some crisp air, squint at the brilliant sunshine that comes only in the spring and walked and breathe and feel and see. Its like waking up from a coma and seeing things again for the first time. The tree branches evolve from skeletal shadows to hope-filled branches of buds. You hear the birds singing and wonder where they've been. You sit on a cold cement step and raise your head to the sky, letting the warmth of the sun wash over you like a deep, warm hug. The days are longer and prettier and in a few weeks you won't even be able to remember what it was like to have to wear a coat everyday.

And then there is the mud. Everywhere. And those damned earthworms that wriggle all over the place and die on the sidewalk before they can ooze themselves to wherever it is they think they are going. Yuck.

But soon enough, the mud will dry up, the grass will start to grow, the sound of snow blowers is replaced by lawnmowers and I, the same person who would have given her left arm for a chance to sit anywhere anywhere anywhere outside is now complaining of the heat and can't wait to get inside to the air conditioning!

Its crazy! What is it about me that wants to be anywhere but where I am? The times when I am living in the moment and enjoying each second for what it is are few and far between compared to the times when I am daydreaming about what once was or what might be yet to come. It kind of infuriating!

Especially since I want to teach my daughter by example. I want her to see me trying to be better and recognize how important it is to always strive for her best. I want her to think that exercise is a normal part of every one's life and not just some big event that you show up at every couple of months. I want her to understand on as deep a level as possible that if she believes enough in herself that she can do A N Y T H I N G !!

And that brings me back to the mud. In the real world, mud is a mixture of dirt and water. But its on the inside its a swarming pool of emotions, regrets, concerns, fears, failures and memories. A whole seemingly bottomless pool of things to struggle against. Its as if I have to haul all the mud away before I can get down to business. Its exhausting and mostly defeating.

So how do I get that mud out of there? This is the question I've been asking my whole life and have not yet been able to answer. How do you journey from wanting to make a change to finding the willingness to do the work?