The Joys of Motherhood (or not!)

I don't know how many times in my life I've heard people say "having kids is the best thing that ever happened to me", and before I became a mother I remember thinking, rather defensively, that it was just their way of justifying something. The loss of their youth, the inability to do anything (ANYTHING) alone, not being able to do what you want when you want to.

And then there was Leah. And immediately I became one of those people who can't remember life without her and constantly sing the praises of parenting. She is, and I say this with absolutely no reservation, the most important and joyful part of my life.

She is also 2. She has those moments when she frustrates me so intensely that I have to leave the room for fear of venting my anger too heavily on her. She will look right at me as she pours a glass of red Koolaid on the carpet and smile ever more widely with each frenzied shout of "NO!" She knows she is doing something she shouldn't, but she seems to get such joy out of watching me watch her.

She learns so quickly that it frightens me. It took only one slip of my favorite obscenity (yes, it is the one that starts with F) for her to say it, sing it, scream it or whisper it and then look at me with a devilish grin.

She likes to unplug things and throw things and pull every last book off the shelf just to watch them fall and delight in the dis-array.

She has to do everything herself, despite the fact that Mommy woke up late and would really like to just get the damn boots on already!

She is fast and tends to go faster every time I say "Leah Rose get your tush back here right this instant!" She has selective hearing. Her favorite word is NO. She always wants to take her clothes off. She can cry for an hour and a half straight just so I will let her sleep with me.

And then, out of nowhere, she'll say or do something so sweet that my heart melts and every single transgression is forgiven in an instant.

For example. Last night I was sitting on the edge of the couch trying to tune my guitar that hasn't been touched in months (by the way, it took me close to an hour to get it tuned). I didn't even realize she had gotten on the couch until all of a sudden from behind me she throws her arms around my neck and says "Mommy I love you so much!" and squeezes with all her might.

Have you ever tried to meditate? It is hard for me because my mind wanders and starts making lists of all the things that I should be doing but then I'll remind myself to get back to "center". Leah's surprise hug was just like that for me. I literally felt as if the world had stopped and I was just me and she was just her and we were sharing that moment just between the two of us, for no one else to see. It probably only lasted a few seconds but the power of that feeling was huge. For just a moment, nothing else mattered. There were no bills to pay, no to-do lists, no sickness, no pain...just pure, real, amazing love.

That moment was worth every single carpet stain I've ever scrubbed.